Down here in Tassie, the biggest on-going debate is always about Forestry and Forest related issues. As the Forest Industry is a huge contributor to our local economy, the State Government in conjunction with Forestry Tasmania arranged for a university lecturer to travel around all of the small country towns as well as the cities, delivering a series of lectures on how important the Forest Industry is to Tasmania.

In order to assist the lecturer, they provided him with a government car and driver to make sure that he got to all of the venues on time. On this particular day, the lecture was scheduled to be held at Smithton in the far North West of the Island and as luck would have it, they managed to get into Smithton about lunch time, but the lecture was not due until 8PM.

Unfortunately, they were not aware that the lecturer had a bit of a drinking problem and he headed straight to the bar, where he proceeded to demolish a bottle of whisky. Come time to head to the town hall for the lecture and the lecturer was “three sheets to the wind”, “totally hand & fist”…..could not scratch himself. The driver suggested that maybe they had better cancel the lecture, but the professor said “no…you have heard the lecture enough times…..you can deliver it”.

Well…as you can imagine, the driver….who was a bit rough around the edges, particularly with his speech patterns and dropping his h’s, was a bit reluctant….but eventually the professor convinced him that he could do it.

Come 8PM, the driver stands up on stage at the town hall and stares out at an absolute full house. The place was packed to the rafters. Very nervously he starts by saying….

“Welcome everybody…we are here tonight to talk about wood…..now basically there are three types of wood….there’s ard wood, ard ard wood and ard ard ard wood. Now the first type of wood I’m gonna talk about is ard wood. Ard wood grows where there’s lots of water and cause there’s lots of water it grows pretty quickly so doesn’t get the chance to get real ard….so it’s only half as ard as ard ard wood and quarter as ard as ard ard ard wood. Now the things they use ard wood for is making ‘ouses for dogs”.

At that point, a rather aristocratic gentleman at the back of the room with shiny shoes, bowler hat and plumb in mouth accent says “excuse me my good man, but don’t you mean kennels for canines?” The driver says “Kennels for canines…..’ouses for dogs…doesn’t matter..thats what ard wood is used for”.

The driver then continues…”The next kind of wood I’m gonna talk about is ard ard wood. Now ard ard wood grows in places that are a bit drier than where ard wood grows and as a result of there not being as much water, it grows a bit slower so has more time to get ard and therefore is twice as ard as ard wood but only half as ard as ard ard ard wood and the things they use ard ard wood for is making sheds for horses”.

Once again our aristocrat at the back of the room interjects with “Excuse me my good man….but don’t you mean stables for equine?”

The driver replies “Stables for equine or sheds for horses…..doesn’t matter…thats what ard ard wood is used for”.

Now the third type of wood is ard ard ard wood and that grows where there is bugger all water and as a result, it grows bloody slow so its got heaps of time to get ard and is twice as ard as ard ard wood and four times as ard as ard wood and the things they use ard ard ard wood for is pyles for piers and before that smart arse at the back can say anything, I mean jetties for boats….. not heamoroids for haristocratic harseholes!”

Paddy the Irish Minister of War phones Vladimir….his counterpart in Russia… and says “Vladimir, at ten o’clock Sunday morning….Ireland is declaring war on Russia”

Vladimir is a little taken aback by this….but manages to stay calm… and says “Why would you want to declare war on us…Ireland has no hope of beating Russia in a war?”

Paddy says….”Doesn’t matter….at ten o’clock Sunday morning, Ireland is declaring war on Russia.”

Well Vladimir thinks for a moment and asks Paddy how many planes do you have.

Paddy replies….. “four”.

Vladimir says good god Paddy……our initial strike force is four thousand strong….all armed with the latest weaponry. They are invincible.

Paddy says…”Doesn’t matter….at ten o’clock Sunday morning….Ireland is declaring war on Russia”

Vladimir then says……”OK Paddy, how many tanks do you have?” and Paddy replies “Seven”

Vladimir says….. “Paddy, we have over seventy thousand tanks, all with the latest armour plating…..you don’t stand a chance.”

and Paddy says…..”Doesn’t matter…at ten o’clock Sunday morning, Ireland is declaring war on Russia”.

Out of desparation Vladimir says….”Alright Paddy….how many troops do you have?” and Paddy replies “Three Thousand”

Vladimir says “Get real Paddy….our front line is three million strong” and Paddy says “three million…..just hang on a minute.”

Paddy puts the phone down and comes back in about twenty minutes and says “Vladimir…the war is off”

Vladimir says “hah….so we scared you with our might” and Paddy says “No…..we haven’t got enough room for all the prisoners we’re gonna take”.

The worlds leading surgeons were gathered at their annual conference which was held this year in Monte Carlo. With the day’s business and forums completed, it was time for some serious relaxation and fellowship over a few quiet beers.

Pretty soon, they started bragging about how good they were and what great achievements they had made.

One surgeon from America boasted that he was that clever that when eating a hot dog one day, he found a finger nail in it. He took it back to his surgery, ran all the appropriate tests and then built a finger for the nail to go on. He then made a hand, an arm and the rest of the body for that finger nail. When he had finished….the man he had created was that efficient….he took the jobs of 3 men.

Then the English surgeon recounted how he was having high tea with the Royal Family and half way through a cucumber sandwich, he found a hair in it. He took the hair back to his surgery and after testing it, built a scalp, filled it with similar hair, then built a head and body and because he had worked from the top down…….when he was finished his creation put 10 men out of work.

Of course then it was the Aussie surgeons turn and he said “As good as your creations are….they are nothing compared to mine. I was walking down the street and smelt a fart…..I caught that fart in a glass jar and then took it back to my surgery where I built an arsehole to wrap around it. I called it Kevin Rudd and before you knew it…he had put a million Australians out of work”.

Paddy & Mick were heading off to the pub for a few games of 8 ball and several pints of Guinness. As they walked down the road, they came across wee poor Mary O’Rielly sitting on the side of the road crying her eyes out.

Paddy said “Mary O’Rielly….why you be sitting on the side of the road crying your eyes out?” and Mary O’Rielly said “I have a puncture in me bike tyre and can’t get to church”.

Paddy said to Mick, “You go on ahead Mick and set the 8 ball table up and have a couple of pints settling on the bar….. I will fix Mary O’rielly’s puncture and be along there in a bit”.

Well Mick headed off to the pub, ordered the two pints of Guinness and racked the balls up ready for the game. He then looked out the front door of the pub and saw Paddy coming along on Mary O’Rielly’s bicycle. Mick said to Paddy “why you be riding Mary O’Rielly’s bicycle?” and Paddy replied “When I fixed her puncture…. she was that gratefull that she took her pants off and said I could have anything I liked…..so I took the bike”.

Then Mick said “To be sure, to be sure….You have done the right thing….her pants wouldn’t a fitted ya anyway.”

Hardly a joke first up…..more a theory on life…and probably one I don’t subscribe to all that often…..

But here goes……”You are far better to keep your mouth shut…and let every one think you are a fool,

than you are to open it and remove all doubt!!!!!!”

They will get better….I promise.